Excerpts from the Diary of Yukishiro Tomoe
by Wrdo
Summary: These are the entries of Tomoe's diary, telling her side of the Remembrance Arc. Although there are many original scenes, most scenes and dialogue are taken directly from the manga.
1. Edo

AUTHORS NOTE: Hi there. Here are some things to keep in mind about this fanfic. Like I said in the summary, most of the scenes and dialogue are recreated from scenes in the Rurouni Kenshin manga (I am not following the OVAs). So yeah, kinda borderline plaigarism, I know. I also have quite a few original scenes in there as well, so please keep that in mind if you will. I also use Japanese honorifics in this fanfic, just an fyi. Anyway, thank you for reading!

AN: (again) The first paragraph of this page is taken directly from the manga.

**Excerpts from the Diary of Yukishiro Tomoe**

**April 4, First Year of the Genji (1864)**

Today we received word from Kyoto that Kiyosato Akira has been killed. Though I can hardly believe it, I am filled with regret that I did not stop him from leaving. Now…

Now I can barely breathe. I feel like there's a giant hole in my chest, and it hurts so badly. My heart is gone.

My beloved Akira is dead. Never again will I see him smile, or hear him laugh, or feel his warm hands holding mine. We'll never kiss again. And he will never be my husband.

Did he even know how much I loved him? How much I still love him now?

How did this happen?

**April 6**

I found this journal a year or so ago when I was sorting out the things we kept in storage. I think it was Mother's. It was among her things, anyway. When I looked, nothing was written in here. But I couldn't bring myself to throw away something that belonged to Mother, even if it was a waste of space. So I put it away in my room for safe-keeping.

But when I found out about Akira-san, I didn't know what to do.

Two days ago, some soldiers came from Kyoto to tell Akira's family about his death. Once they knew, they sent Taku-san, Akira's older brother, to tell me.

"I'm sorry, Tomoe-chan," he told me. His eyes were heavy, and his voice cracked. Taku-san looked as though he was ready to weep at any moment for his lost brother.

What happened next feels like a dream. I left Taku-san alone in that room, when good manners say that I should have stayed with him. When I walked past Enishi, I ignored him. I could barely even recognize my younger brother as I walked by. I just entered my room by myself.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to rip everything I owned, and break it into a million pieces. I wanted to beat myself against the floor, smash my hand into my mirror, and mix my blood with my tears.

But I didn't.

I didn't even cry as I sat there. In the mirror, I could see that expression. The blank look that's always on my face. I couldn't even look sad.

But despite my looks, I was devastated. My heart was beyond broken, it was shattered. Suddenly, I remembered this diary, and I searched for it. When I found it, I began to write. And today, I wrote again.

I began to write today because I felt as though I was about to break. My sorrow feels like a bubble, one that's about to burst. I had to release the sorrow somehow, so I used the diary again.

I can't talk to Father or Enishi. I'm sure that Father means well. He loves me, and wants to make sure that I'm all right. But how can I tell him about the hole in my chest where my heart used to be?

And Enishi. Oh, Enishi. I love my brother, but if I can't tell Father how I feel, how on earth can I tell him? He's too immature to handle this. He couldn't even handle the engagement announcement. He threw a tantrum and sulked for a week. He flits through emotions so quickly. First he'll be angry, then happy, and then depressed. I know he's only a child, but I can't seem to care about that now.

I feel so tired.

**April 10**

The funeral was today. And still, I can't bring myself to even cry for my beloved.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I change my face? For years, I've tried so hard to make myself smile. Why does something that come so naturally to others is so hard for me to do? I can't even remember how many times people have asked me why I'm scowling. Or that I'd be prettier if I smiled. I've tried and tried and tried my entire life.

I couldn't even smile when Akira proposed.

He gave me the most beautiful hairpin. Gold, with little red beads. It wasn't extravagant, and maybe even a little plain. But to me, it was perfect.

I was so happy. I could imagine a life ahead of me as Kiyosato Tomoe. Keeping a nice house with Akira, having his children. They would be beautiful, like him.

But no matter how happy I was, I couldn't even smile for him. And Akira, poor Akira, couldn't understand. I couldn't make him understand that even though I didn't _look_ happy, I was still very happy inside.

"If the second son of a samurai cannot make you happy, I will, at least, be known as a warrior of repute."

That's what he told me before he left. He was convinced that if he fought in Kyoto and earned himself honor, then he could make me happy. Never mind that he was a mediocre swordsman.

Akira, why didn't you believe me? I was happy enough! You were perfect, you didn't need to change for me!

**April 12**

A week has passed, and I still haven't cried. I didn't smile for my love when he was alive, and now I can't cry for him when he's dead. How horrible am I?

If I cried when Akira left, would he have changed his mind? Would he have stayed in Edo?

Is it my fault?

NO!

No no no!

It is not my fault that Akira is dead! Akira didn't die because of me! He was MURDERED! Murdered in cold blood. And for what? What did my love die for?

There is a war in Kyoto. Samurai are gathering in that city to fight for the Shogunate, like my Akira did. They are fighting against a group of rebels, self-proclaimed Inshin Shishi. Men who want to push the Shogun from his power and put the Emperor in control again. But who cares about all that now?

Some Inishin Shishi brute killed my Akira. A monster. A horrible monster in Kyoto destroyed Kiyosato Akira, and Kiyosato Tomoe.

**April 15**

Before, I was paralyzed in my grief. But now, I'm finding myself alive in anger. I'm constantly imagining a monster cutting down Akira. And I want to cut him back.

I'm finding that hatred is like a drug. When the pain is too much, I slip into my hate, and it calms me down. But strangely, it makes me edgy. I suppose all drugs are like that. When I work in the kitchen, I'll suddenly want to stab someone with my knife. If I'm sweeping the yard, I'll be overcome with the urge to swing the broom into the tree. I always imagine the Monster as my target.

I hate him. And I want him dead.

**April 16**

Today, I heard Enishi laughing in the yard. I wanted to shake him and slap him. How could anything be funny?

But immediately, I was ashamed of myself. How could I imagine hurting my dear little brother? He has no one else except Father and I, and he doesn't like Father very much. Thankfully, Enishi had no idea what was going on inside of me- my face didn't change expressions. Like always.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this. The pain of my grief, and the hot anger and hatred inside of me.

**April 17**

I'm leaving.

I realized this today. Father forced me to go out this morning with Enishi to go shopping.

"Go outside and feel the sun, Tomoe," Father said. "It'll do you good."

I walked along the familiar streets today. This was Edo, my city. I've lived my whole life here. But as I walked down the familiar streets, I realized that I don't want to live here anymore. Not without Akira.

In fact, I don't want to live at all without him.

I didn't say anything. I acted as normally as I could in front of Enishi and Father. I couldn't tell them. If I did, they would try to stop me from leaving any way they could.

I love my family, but I can't stay.

I've already packed my things. I'm not taking much. Just a few kimono, Mother's blue shawl, and this diary. I'm probably foolish for bringing my bottle of perfume. But the smell of white plums is my favorite, and perfume is my only vanity.

I almost took the hairpin with me. The one Akira gave me when he proposed. But I couldn't. I can't bear to look at it now. So I left it in the box with my other jewelry.

I'm waiting until midnight before I leave. I've torn a page out of this diary to write a note to Father and Enishi. They'll be angry when they find it. Especially Enishi. But they'll get over it. Maybe they'll even understand. I love them, but I love Akira too.

I'll go to Kyoto. It's a stupid thing to do, but I'll do it. I'll find the monster that killed Akira. And then kill it.

**Later that Night**

A little before sunset, I walked over to the Kiyosato house to talk with Taku-san. If I'm going to find Akira's killer, I'll need every lead I can get. And the only ones who will know his killer will be those Akira worked with.

"But why do you want to know that, Tomoe-chan?" Taku-san said when I asked him.

"I want to know what my fiancé died for," I said.

"Isn't it enough to know that he died for his country?" Taku-san said. "You should feel better knowing that he died to make you safe, Tomoe-chan."

No, he died because a monster in Kyoto wanted to change the country for his own selfish reasons.

Instead, I said, "Taku-san, please just tell me. Who did Akira work with?"

He was quiet for a few minutes, and then said, "Akira was a member of the Mimawarigumi."

Mimawarigumi.

I can't forget about them.

I bowed to Taku-san and thanked him before I left. I doubt I'll see him again. I debated seeing Akira-san's parents before I left, and decided against it. His parents are grieving as much as I am, and I don't want to disturb them.

I took a different route home, and walked down some streets that I've ignored in the past. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to the city. But as I wandered down an unfamiliar neighborhood, I stopped in front of a kenjutsu dojo. There was a man entering the dojo with a little girl, no older than five. When she saw me, the girl smiled and waved.

I don't know why I remembered that just now. Or why I felt so compelled to write it down.

Midnight will be in a few hours. I'll pack this diary, and kiss my father and brother goodnight. Maybe I'll see them again someday.


	2. Mimawarigumi

****AN: (Again) FYI- I refer a lot in this chapter to someplace called a "genkan." A genkan is the entryway of a Japanese house, where people take off their shoes. Since there really isn't an American equivalent to this, I went with the original Japanese word. And if I got the word wrong, then please let me know.

Also, the Mimawarigumi were a group of soldiers in Kyoto that were fighting for the Shogun, like a less badass version of the Shinsengumi.

**April 28**

Ten days. That's how long I walked from Edo. And yesterday I arrived.

Kyoto is such a large and beautiful city. It took my breath away as I walked through. The buildings alone are spectacular.

But the people are afraid.

If you watch a street long enough, you'll see it. The people here rush. Very few stop to talk with each other in the streets, and those that do fidget. No one wants to be out for long.

This city is very different from Edo.

I spent most of yesterday and today looking for the Mimawarigumi. I got nothing yesterday, but today I found out where their headquarters are!

Unfortunately, it was too late to see them. So I returned to my inn. But tomorrow, I'll go there and find out all I can about Akira's killer.

**April 29**

Sometimes I hate being a woman. People never take us seriously.

When I arrived at the Mimawaragumi headquarters today… well, it didn't go as I planned. They kept trying to send me away.

"This is no place for a pretty girl like you!" one older man said to me, patting my head. "Go on home and take care of your husband!"

I spent my entire day waiting in the genkan for someone to talk to. There was a guard there, but he didn't talk to me, except to prevent me from going further inside. Finally, this afternoon, one of the young members came to speak with me.

"Miss, you really need to go," he told me.

"I won't go until I can speak with someone about my fiancé's death," I said.

"Miss, I don't know anything about that," he said.

"He was a member of this group," I explained. "Kiyosato Akira."

"I'm sorry Miss. But I didn't know him. I'm new."

Well, it made sense for them to send a rookie to take get rid of me.

"Can you please direct me to whoever will have details of his death?" I asked.

"I'm sorry miss, but we're very busy, we can't help you. Please go home."

He left me then and went back inside. But I stayed where I was until sunset, and returned to my inn. I'll go back tomorrow. I won't leave them alone until I know more about the Monster.

**April 30**

Nothing today. They sent the rookie again to get rid of me. He was a lot more flustered this time, and less polite. But I didn't budge.

Maybe tomorrow I'll bring a book.

**May 2**

Nothing again for the past few days. I've spent them standing in the genkan of the Mimawarigumi headquarters. I don't do anything there except stand and wait to argue with the rookie when they send him to send me away.

It's frustrating. But every time I think about giving up, I remember Akira, and how happy he looked when he left me. And about the Monster. No, I can't give up, not until Akira is avenged.

**May 5**

I've finally discovered why they say that patience is a virtue. I'm usually a very patient person. If I ever do become impatient, then my face usually masks my feelings, making others believe that I'm more patient than I really am.

For the past seven days, I've waited in the Mimawarigumi to learn about the Monster. So far, I've leaned nothing. But that doesn't mean that I've gotten nowhere.

I've noticed a change in the soldiers in the past few days. When I first came here, they treated me like a joke. I noticed them laughing or smiling at me whenever they passed me in the genkan. But now, they grow quiet when they see me. They don't know how to act around me now, and it makes them nervous.

The rookie is starting to become afraid of me. The time he spends trying to chase me away is less each day, his arguments weaker. He looks scared when he approaches me, and relieved when he leaves.

The only person that I don't think I'm making an impression on is the guard. He just keeps standing there, day after day.

I've noticed in the past few days a man watching me. He's not obvious about it, but he seems to looks at me every time he comes in and out of the building. I don't think he's a member of the Mimawarigumi. He doesn't wear their uniform or carry a katana. And he doesn't come into the headquarters very often. Just once every few days or so, and he usually doesn't stay longer than an hour.

He's a very tall man, strong and muscular. He's middle aged, with long gray hair and a beard. He's always treated with respect when with others, and seems to have some position of power. He makes me nervous.

**May 7**

This morning I had my first encounter with death.

I was arguing with the rookie again, when a group of soldiers ran in. They were carrying in their arms a wounded man.

"Someone get a doctor!"

The rookie stumbled out the door when the words were shouted, and the guard ran inside. I flattened myself against the wall, trying not to get in the way.

The wounded man was placed on the raised floor of the genkan. He was bleeding heavily from his stomach, and screamed loudly when he was moved. One of the other men was trying to staunch the wound with his jacket. Meanwhile, more members of the Mimawarigumi were coming in. Questions went back and forth.

"Who did this?"

"What happened?"

"He was attacked by the Choshuu…"

"Was anyone else there?"

"Where's the doctor?"

"Was it Battousai?"

"Idiot! If it was Battousai, he wouldn't be alive, would he?"

"Battousai's a myth."

"Where's that doctor?"

After a few moments, the door leading to the rest of headquarters opened. A regal-looking man stood there, glaring at everyone. The noise immediately stopped when the soldiers saw him.

He kneeled next to the wounded man and inspected the wound. After a few minutes, he shook his head.

"He won't make it," he announced.

"But Sensei!" a man shouted. "The doctor's coming now!"

"The doctor's useless. This man's wounds are fatal." He glared at his men. "The best we can do is to spare our comrade a slow, painful death."

There was silence in the room, except for the wounded man choking with pain. Finally, the man who had been helping him unsheathed his wakizashi and slit the wounded man's throat. The gasps of pain stopped.

The sensei nodded. "Take care of his body."

After he left, the other members of the Mamiwarigumi trickled out of the genkan. Most looked grim. A small group carried the body inside.

And suddenly, I found myself alone again in the genkan, staring at the pool of blood where the wounded man had been.

I have never experienced death like this before. I lost Akira a month ago, and I watched Mother die when I was young. But this was different. When Mother died, she drifted off. It was after her long, weary battle to give birth to Enishi. She didn't have the strength to stay with us. There was nothing we could do, except watch.

But this time was different. If we had waited a few more minutes for the doctor to arrive, would the man survive? All I could think about was the swipe of the wakizashi across his throat. It seems so pointless.

After a few moments, the guard returned to his post. He looked startled when he saw me.

"You're still here?" he asked.

It was the first time he ever acknowledged my existence. I nodded in surprise. He scowled.

"Get out," he said. "This is no place for someone like you. Couldn't you tell by what just happened?"

My expression didn't show how confused, scared, and sad I felt.

"I just want-"

"To know about your fiancé's killer." He finished my sentence. "You think I don't know that after watching you come in here day after day?" He sighed. "Kiyosato-kun wouldn't have wanted this for you. He would have wanted you to be happy."

"You knew him?" I asked.

"Aye, I knew him. He was a good kid. But a lousy fighter. He didn't belong with the likes of us."

And here I got more proof that Akira wasn't a good fighter. He didn't belong in this war.

"Listen," the man said. He almost sounded gentle. "I know how you feel. I've already lost countless friends in this war, and I'll lose more. It never gets any easier. But you _gotta let it go!_"

I felt a weight in the pit of my stomach. "I can't. That's why I'm here."

He jerked his thumb toward the blood on the floor.

"Even if you find this killer, do you think you can do it? Take a life?"

And suddenly, I didn't have an answer. Yesterday, I would have said yes in an instant. But today, I couldn't say a word.

So I turned and left the building, the earliest I've ever left them. As I walked out the door, I passed by that man who watches me sometimes. I wonder how long he was standing outside?

This entry has taken many pages, and most of the afternoon to write. But I still don't know my answer. I still feel the rage and the hatred against the Monster. I still feel love and grief for Akira. But can I kill the Monster? Can I take a life?

**Later That Night**

I've thought more about it. I can't stand the thought of the Monster living. But I don't think that I can kill a man. I suppose I'll have to think of a creative form of vengeance for him then. But first, I still need to know about him. So I'll return to the Mimawarigumi again tomorrow. Maybe this time, the guard can help me.

I should start looking for a job soon. I'm running low on funds, and I have nothing of value to sell. Oh, I'll deal with it tomorrow.

**May 8**

I don't know what to do.

Well, I got what I asked for. But it wasn't what I wanted.

When I entered the building this morning, the guard frowned at me and growled. "You again?"

"Good morning," I said.

"Didn't I tell you to get out of here?"

"Not until I get the information I asked for."

We stared at each other for a long time without blinking. Finally, he looked away first.

"Please sir," I said. "You already know what I want."

"Nothing," he said.

"Please, if you can't tell me, then can you direct me to who can?"

"There's nothing to tell."

I was silenced.

"That night, Kiyosato-kun went out with one of our other men. They were guarding a politician. And we found them all dead the next morning."

I felt ice flowing through my veins.

"There were no witnesses. We don't know who the killer is." He paused, and then added quietly, "I'm sorry."

Numbly, automatically, I bowed. "Thank you."

And for the second day in a row, I left the Mimawarigumi early.

I don't know what to do now. I have no leads. I don't know where to look.

Akira, I love you so much. How can I live with myself if the Monster stays alive?


	3. Yaminobu

**May 9**

Today, I received an unexpected surprise.

When I woke this morning, I was in a daze. I still felt so angry and desperate from yesterday. I didn't have anything else to do, so I decided to go out and look for a job. But somehow, I found myself standing outside the Mimawarigumi again. I didn't go inside. I just stood across the street, staring at it. I remembered my beloved Akira, and imagined him going in an out of those doors, training there, joking with the other men.

Around the afternoon, I realized I wasn't alone. Standing beside me was the large man, the one who used to watch me.

"So you're here again," he said.

How did a man so large get so close to me without my noticing? I turned to walk away as fast as I could, when I felt his hand grip my shoulder.

"Yukishiro-san, I'd like to speak with you." How did he know my name?

"I can't stay, please let me go." I said it slowly, so it didn't come out whiny or scared.

"Yukishiro-san, I have the information you seek." His eyes gleamed. "Concerning the death of Kiyosato Akira?"

I stopped trying to get away. This man knew about the Monster?

"We shouldn't speak in the open," he said. "Kyoto's not the city it once was."

He led me down the street into an inn, and then led me to a private room. I felt nervous- what if this was a trap? What if he was planning on raping me? But Akira's face clouded my vision, and I followed. Besides, I had my knife hidden in my obi.

Once we reached the room, he sat down. I knelt across from him.

"I'm sure you have some questions," he said.

"Yes." I said. "Who are you? How do you know my name? And how do you know about Akira's death?"

He smiled. "You can call me Tatsumi. I am the leader of a secret group of assassins, called the Yaminobu. I've watched you for a while, Yukishiro-san, and I think we can help each other out." His smile was almost a leer. "I know the identity of Kiyosato-san's murderer."

My breath caught in my throat, but only for a moment.

"How?" I asked. "When I asked the Mimawarigumi, they said that they didn't know his killer because there were no witnesses. Did they lie to me?"

"No," Tatsumi-san said. "The Mimawarigumi told you all that they know. However, I have more access to secret information than they do. We have an informant in the Inshin Shishi, and he's told us all about their secret weapon; your fiancé's killer."

I could hardly sit still. It took all of my strength to appear calm. But he still sensed my excitement and smirked.

"His name is Himura Kenshin, but they call him Himura Battousai." Tatsumi-san said. "He is Choshuu's greatest hitokiri, active for a little over a year. Already, his body count is in the hundreds."

Himura Kenshin. Battousai. The Monster has a name now.

"According to our informant, Battousai's skills are unmatched. He wields an ancient sword style known as Hiten Mitsurugi-ryu. Nothing else is known about Hiten Mitsurugi except its name. In short, Battousai is the Inshin Shishi's perfect instrument of Tenchuu."

"Tenchuu?" I repeated.

"At each murder, they leave behind notes for us to find, marked with the character Tenchuu," he explained. "It means that they believe that their murder is divine justice from the gods."

Divine justice? How could Akira's murder be divine justice? What kind of god would want a world without him?

I could feel my face in its frozen mask. Everything about me was still, except for my hand. It was clenched into a fist on my knee, and shaking. But when I spoke, my voice was calm.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you waited for two weeks for those idiots to tell you what they didn't know." Tatsumi-san wasn't smiling anymore, and there was a hard glint in his eyes. "That shows dedication. Clearly, you want revenge for your fiancé's murder. But clearly, you cannot do it alone." I tried to protest, but he shook his head. "No, you can't. Battousai is a skilled hitokiri. He's killed some of the greatest samurai in the past year, and a little girl would be nothing to him. That's why the Yaminobu was made- to deliver Tenchuu to Battousai."

"So why do you need me?"

He sighed. "The Yaminobu are skilled. But despite our strength, Battousai might still be able to defeat us. So Yukishiro-san, I'd like to offer you a deal. Work with the Yaminobu. Help us find Battousai's weakness, and we'll get your revenge."

I was quiet for a long time. I thought about the man that died the day before in the genkan of the Mimawarigumi. And then I thought of Akira.

"I'll do it."

**Later that Night**

You are either very brave or very stupid to go out at night in Kyoto. Perhaps I am both.

"It's not safe to keep talking here," Tatsumi-san told me this afternoon. "Tonight at midnight, meet me here, and I'll take you to the Yaminobu."

So I went out, and met the Yaminobu. They meet in a small shack in the woods near the city. There are five, including Tatsumi-san. They all wear black clothes and masks, and have different weapons. Two men were large and muscular, one had an axe. The other had two katana, with a long chain connecting the hilts of his swords. Another thin man had a katana at his waist, and a strange device on his wrist. I didn't see the last man; he hid in the ceiling.

Unlike the Mimawarigumi, these men didn't seem to care that I was a woman. They seemed to accept that I would assist them with killing Battousai. However, I was still unnerved when they remained standing when I knelt before Tatsumi-san.

"Watch him until you know the meaning behind his every movement," he instructed. "Once you find his weakness, your goal and our victory is accomplished."

I nodded.

"When the time comes, once he trusts you, we'll send someone you know," he continued. "I can't tell you who or by what means. Just work your way close to him and continue watching him closely."

"So I can't contact you at all?" I asked.

"No, it'll be too dangerous," he said.

"How do you want me to find his weakness?"

"That's all up to you," Tatsumi-san said. "The method doesn't matter, as long as you find it. We can supply you with information about his habits so you can find him."

"Please do."

"According to our source, Battousai doesn't go out into the city very often. The only thing he does regularly is drink in a bar, the Pub Nagura. He goes there every night from around sunset to closing time. Or at least during his free nights."

"What does he look like?"

"Small, with red hair. He's got a scar on his left cheek."

I nodded. "Is that all?"

"Yes," Tatsumi-san said. "Don't forget, we'll contact you when the time is right."

I stood and opened the door of the shack. But before I left, Tatsumi-san said, "Wait." I paused.

"There's something you should know," he said. "According to our informant, Battousai has never once been injured in battle, until recently. The scar on Battousai's cheek is that wound, which was given to him by your Kiyosato-san."

I paused at the door. Akira wounded Battousai. Good.

"Thank you," I bowed and left.

I now have what I wanted. I know the Monster's name, and I know what he looks like. I know where to find him. And I know how to kill him. My beloved Akira will be avenged soon.

**May 10**

I spent most of today listening. I walked around to different places in Kyoto, listening to all of its sounds. Street vendors, scolding mothers, laughing children. The song of birds and hum of insects. And whenever I heard his name, I listened to the whispers about Battousai.

All of what I heard was rumors. It was mostly men I heard talking, and those men were samurai. Although I did hear some women, mostly maids, talking about him too. The rumors are ridiculous.

"Battousai uses magic to slay his enemies!"

"I hear he can run faster than the gods!"

"He isn't a man, but an ogre."

"His hair is made of fire!"

The things I heard were so silly, I wanted to laugh. But the fear I heard in the voices stopped me. And besides, he might have the body of a man, but he must have the heart of an ogre. He proved that when he murdered Akira.

Tonight, I'll go to the Pub Nagura. If he's there, then I'll follow him. Maybe I'll find a way to talk to him. Hopefully, he won't suspect a woman of trying to kill him. My expressionless, hateful face will be my weapon and my shield against him. He won't know what I'm feeling as I'm taking him down. I'll bring this diary with me, and tuck it in my obi. If something happens to me, then this diary will tell whoever finds me my name and where to send my body.


	4. Bloody Rain

****Another FYI- Okami is the term for a female innkeeper (it also apparently means wolf. But in this context, it's female innkeeper).

**May 11**

Excuse my shaky handwriting. I was nearly panicking a minute ago, and I'm just recovering now.

He's sleeping next to me!

Oh, this won't do! I need to start from the beginning.

Last night, I went to the bar, like I planned. I saw him immediately, although his back was to the door. Small, thin, and long red hair in a ponytail.

But unfortunately, I was the only woman in the bar. Every man, except Battousai, was staring at me. I ignored them as I walked to the table next to Battousai's, and sat down, my back facing his.

The waiter came over to my table and asked for my order.

"Chilled sake please," I said, thinking of the first thing that came to mind. And immediately regretted it. If I was going to follow and discover the weakness of my fiancé's killer, then I should be sober. But I already stood out like a sore thumb. If I didn't drink, it'd be worse.

I didn't have much time for my inner debate before the waiter returned with my sake. Well, it was probably better to drink it than to leave it alone. So I poured myself a cup and drank it. A collective sigh was released from all the men in the room watching me. Sometimes I hate men.

Suddenly, two men appeared at my table. They were tall, mean-looking things, both carrying swords, and both drunk.

"Hey woman!" they said, pounding their bottle of alcohol on the table. "You'll pour our drinks for us!"

…No.

I looked at them for a long time without speaking. My face gave them my answer. But this seemed to make them angry.

"We're Aizu's Inshin Shishi! We risk our lives night an day for you peasants! Drinking with us is the least you can do to thank us!"

During all of this, the bar was quiet, watching the whole affair. But after that outburst, someone called out "Aizu's on the Bakufu's side, idiots."

"What was that?" they spun around, their hands on their swords. No one spoke.

"That's what I thought," one man leered. "Stay out of this."

"That was a close one for somebody," his friend said.

"It certainly was."

My blood suddenly ran cold. That last voice came from _behind me_.

"If you had drawn that sword, then you be fighting me."

One of the men spun around angrily, reaching to draw his katana. But he never got it out of his hilt. Battousai was standing in front of the man, his open palm was against the pommel of the sword, keeping it in its scabbard. The man's muscles were straining, but Battousai didn't look like he was putting any strength into what he was doing.

"Let me give you some advice." Battousai said. His eyes were in an angry glare. "The violence is only going to get worse. Kyoto is no place for hypocrites. If you value your lives, you should run back to the countryside."

Battousai's speech seemed to move the other bar patrons. They started to shout things like, "Yeah!" and "Go home you frauds!" until the men ran out of the bar.

I looked at him, getting my first look at Akira's killer. His face was thin and angular. His eyes were a cold violet. He was so... young. I wasn't expecting that. I thought that Battousai would be an experienced veteran like Tatsumi-san. But no, he was closer in age to me. He barely looked older than 15.

He tossed some coins on his table. "Sorry about all that," he said as he walked out the door.

All around me, the bar was buzzing. "He's good, that kid." "Like a warrior for peace."

I stared at the door. So there was the man who killed Akira. I never expected that in my first encounter with him, he would save me.

And then I realized that it would be my last encounter soon if I didn't catch up.

Cursing myself, I paid for my drink. Now, I think it was the alcohol. At that point, I was just starting to get drunk.

I walked out of the bar and chose a direction to follow. I hoped he went that way. I hurried along the road.

Suddenly, I heard a scream. I stopped in my place. For a moment, I was too scared to move, but then I thought, _What if they need help?_ I ran forward again, and turned a corner.

There they were. Battousai was standing in front of me, staring at another man. In between them was a dead man. Suddenly, I recognized the other man- he was one of the Yaminobu! The one with the two chained katana!

"I will have your life!" the Yaminbu man shouted, and threw a sword at Battousai. An instant later, Battousai's sword was unsheathed, and deflected the thrown sword. It landed with the blade in the ground, hilt up. Then the Yaminobu man jumped in the air and wrapped the chain around Battousai. His arms were trapped at his sides.

"Prepare yourself!" the Yaminobu shouted, and jumped toward Battousai. Battousai pulled on the chain, grabbing the other sword from the ground. With a scream, he sliced the sword through the Yaminobu man, cutting him in half.

Blood exploded in the air, and fell like rain.

I took a small step back, but in the sudden silence, the little movement boomed. I watched Battousai's back stiffen. He slowly began to turn, his grip tightening on the swords he held.

Would he kill me? Would my blood also fall from the sky like rain?

Rain…

In my drunken state, I couldn't get the image of bloody rain from my mind. I remembered all the plays I'd been to, the tragedies. They always portrayed blood artistically, with a red silk handkerchief and graceful flick of the wrist. It was nothing like this.

"I followed you because I wanted to thank you." I said. I saw his expression flicker with surprise. I continued. "They always say at tragic scenes, 'A rain of blood falls,'" I stopped for a moment, trying to compose myself. "But you really made it rain blood."

He was facing me fully now. His eyes were wide. Slowly, he let go of the Yaminobu's katana, and it fell to the ground.

And then I saw it. The scar. A long thin line running down his cheek. But before I could think of Akira, I could feel my knees collapsing. The smell of the blood overpowered me, and I lost consciousness.

When I woke, I nearly screamed. He was sitting next to me!

Thankfully, I didn't scream. I scrambled out of my futon and to the other side of the room, but thankfully, that was quiet. It took me a few minutes to calm myself, but once I was calm, I was able to assess the situation.

Battousai was asleep. In fact, he still is now. It's a little strange that he sleeps sitting up, but maybe it's a samurai thing? We are in a small room, one I don't know. But from looking around, I could tell that we're in an inn somewhere. He's got books scattered all over the place.

I'm not wearing my kimono, and that worries me. I am currently wearing a simple yukata, and my skin is clean of all the blood from last night. I'm glad to be clean, but what happened to my clothes? And who cleaned me? If it was Battousai… oh God, I don't know what I'll do if it was.

I wish I hadn't gotten drunk last night. At least I don't have a hangover now. But strangely, it might have been a good thing. In a single night, I've managed to find myself where Battousai lives. The best way to find his weakness is to take advantage of that. I still don't know yet how horrible Battousai is- in fact I might be in danger right now. But I need to keep going forward, for Akira's sake.

It's almost sunrise. I think I can hear movement downstairs. I'll go find the Okami and see if I can get a job here, and find out what happened last night.


	5. The Morning After

**That Night**

I had a very interesting day.

This morning, after folding my futon and carefully tucking this diary into my obi, I went downstairs to find the okami. After some searching in the inn, I found her in the kitchen, directing around the maids. She looked tiny and frail, but she barked out orders with as much strength as an ox. Her wrinkled lips puckered into a scowl when she noticed me.

"So you're up," she said. She walked over to me. "I washed your kimono last night, and it's hanging out to dry now. Once it's ready, I'll have to ask you to leave."

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"I don't know what happened between you and Himura-san last night, but I'm not taking any chances," she said. "I can't afford to have my inn's reputation getting sullied by a loose girl."

"Oh," I suddenly understood what she meant. "Ma'am, I'm not a prostitute."

She sniffed. Clearly, she didn't believe me.

"Okami-san, what happened last night?" I asked. "I don't remember coming here. Did that boy I was with…"

She looked at me suspiciously.

"Well, Himura-san came in last night a little after midnight, carrying you. _You_ were passed out. Smelled like drink to me." Despite her scolding face, she sounded like she was enjoying herself. "Oh, he was blushing and sweating and stammering up a storm when I saw you two together!"

She laughed. I waited for the rest of the story.

"Anyway, I washed off the blood from your skin. You're lucky it was only on your face and neck- any lower, and you'd have to do the rest." She said.

Well, that answered the question of how I got clean. At least it wasn't Himura.

"Okami-san, did Himura-san say anything about what happened earlier?" I asked.

"He was stammering something about a fight," she shrugged.

"If he said there was a fight, then why do you think I'm a prostitute?" I asked. "It would explain why I was bloody."

"Oh, I never try to guess what these Choshuu men are doing," she said, but I could tell she was considering what I said. "What do you want anyway?"

"Okami-san, I'd like to repay your kindness. May I work for you?" I bowed as I asked.

She squinted at me. "All right," she said. "But if you can't keep up with a day's work, then you can't stay. And no funny business with any of the customers!"

I changed back into my kimono and worked in the kitchen. As I worked, I reflected on what I learned. So this inn was a Choshuu stronghold. There were more Choshuu men here. And as I worked longer, I learned that its name is the Kohagiya. I wish that I had some way of telling Tatsumi-san, but that might put me in danger.

I turned my thoughts to what Okami told me about last night. It was hard to imagine Battousai blushing or stammering. He was so cold and violent when I saw him during the fight. But then I saw it for myself around mid-morning.

Okami was lifting several trays of breakfast to bring to the men. "Tomoe-san, have you already finished cleaning that pot?" Okami asked me. My hard work had impressed her into liking me already.

I suddenly heard a voice shout out "Okami-san!" There was pounding on the stairs, and moments later, the kitchen door opened. Himura burst in, and nearly collapsed when he saw Okami handing me the trays.

"Here, why don't you take these in for me," she said, oblivious to what just happened. She noticed him and said, "Oh good morning Himura-san. Despite appearances, your girlfriend is a very good worker."

Now she assumed I was his girlfriend? Well, I least I wasn't a prostitute. I was about to correct her, when I realized that it might help me later if she thought so. Himura wore a look of shock on his face. When I left the kitchen, he stumbled after me.

"Uh…" he stuttered, running his fingers through his bangs.

"My name?" I asked. "It's Tomoe."

"Tomoe-san, what are you doing?"

"Can't you tell?"

"Helping in the kitchen?"

"So you did know."

I have to admit, I did enjoy this.

"I need to talk to you," he said as we approached the dining room.

"I'm busy, ask me later," I said, pulling open the door. "Excuse me, I've brought breakfast." I said to the people inside.

It seems like all of the Choshuu Inishin Shishi were waiting on the other side, all with expectant, excited smiles. Behind me, I heard Himura collapse again.

"So this is Himura's girl!" they were shouting. "She's cute!" "An older woman!" "She's just like Himura!"

…Just like last night apparently, only noisier. And awkward. A normal girl would be shy and protest that she's not Himura's girlfriend. But that's not me.

"I'm Tomoe. How nice to meet you."

"Hey! Knock that off!" Himura shrieked next to me.

"Oh, what's wrong, Lover Boy?" one man asked, patting the top of Himura's head.

"Iizuka-san…" Himura growled.

"So, how was it?" Iizuka asked.

Twitching, Himura grabbed his sword, and unsheathed an inch or so with his thumb. Immediately, all the men scurried away from him.

"That was close." Iizuka muttered. "For a minute I forgot he was the Battousai. Just teasing him is taking your life into your hands."

Himura readjusted his sword, blushing.

"What are you all doing here instead of at Headquarters?" he asked. "Security must be tight during Katsura-san's stay."

It was a good speech, and a good attempt at changing the subject. But the effect was ruined a moment later when Iizuka pointed to a man sitting in the front of the room, sipping tea. Himura jumped, reminding me of a panicked cat. Apparently, this man was Katsura-san.

"I had no idea the Choshuu Inshin Shishi were so laid back…" Himura moaned, hiding his face in his hands.

"Affairs of the heart have nothing to do with your ideals," Katsura said.

I paused to look at him, the famous leader of the Choshuu Inshin Shishi. I didn't expect him to be so young, or handsome, or polite. So far, I was getting a lot of surprises.

Once he recovered, Himura looked serious again. He muttered something to Katsura, and then both left the room. I watched them leave, wondering what they were talking about.

There's more to say about today, but I'm exhausted and my hand's cramped. I'll finish tomorrow.

**May 12**

Today was fairly uneventful. I spent most of my time working again. I managed to get a break this afternoon so I can return to my inn and retrieve the rest of my belongings. I've now moved in with the Choshuu Inshin Shishi in the Kohagiya, whether Himura likes it or not.

Yesterday afternoon, Okami-san finally gave me a break for lunch, when Himura popped into the kitchen.

"Can we talk now?" he asked.

I nodded, and grabbed my tray of food.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I need to eat," I replied, and walked up the stairs to his room. He followed mutely, although I could sense his frustration. Once we reached his room, I put down my tray and knelt in front of it. Himura sat in the window and watched me eat.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I want you to swear that you will forget what you saw last night and leave," he said.

No such luck for him. I was determined to stay, and wasn't going to let anything he said stop me.

"Am I in your way here?" I asked. "Okami-san likes me."

He started to look nervous. "Your family will worry."

I closed my eyes and thought about Father and Enishi. Yes, they probably are worried. But I can't go home.

"If I had a family to go home to," I said. "I wouldn't be alone and drunk on sake."

Was that pity in his eyes? Could someone like him even feel pity? "I don't know your story, but we're in no position to take care of you."

"Then will you get rid of me like you did to that samurai in black?" I asked.

His eyes hardened, and for a moment I wondered if I'd gone too far.

"You can think whatever you want about me," he said. "But I fight for the new era where everyone can live in peace. I don't kill indiscriminately. My enemies are only those who wield swords for the Shogunate. I will never kill an unarmed civilian, enemy or not."

Suddenly, I wasn't hungry anymore. I was filled with a white-hot rage. How _dare_ he justify his actions? Akira was a mediocre swordsman, and barely deserved to be called a samurai. Battousai claimed that he would never kill a civilian, but Akira was a civilian! He didn't belong in the battlefield!

I was so angry, I wanted to kill him. I wanted to grab his sword from his hand and chop off his head. But I calmed myself down before I did anything stupid. I put down my chopsticks and looked at him.

"Then it all comes down to the sword," I said. My voice betrayed none of my anger. "If I held a sword right now, would you…?" I trailed off. He stared at me with wide, shocked eyes. The room was quiet for a long time. Finally, I grabbed my tray and stood.

"Tell me when you find the answer," I said, and I walked out of the room. He looked like he was still in shock, but as I closed the door, I heard him shriek:

"Wait a minute! Does that mean you're going to stay?"

I didn't answer, but walked down the hallway and back to the kitchen. We both had a lot to think about, Himura and myself.


	6. Battousai

**May 18**

I've settled well in the few days I've been here. It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

So far, I've mostly been working for Okami-san. It's hard work; my tasks are varied from cleaning to cooking. I start early in the morning, and continue until evening. But I'm actually enjoying the work. It's refreshing to think about something other than my grief, if only for a little while.

By now, most of the men here have gotten used to seeing me. Although, a few still chuckle and joke when they see me. I'm sure that they must be teasing Himura mercilessly.

One man in particular seems to be keeping an eye on me. Iizuka-san, Himura's friend, seems to be watching me whenever we're in the same room. I'm not sure how to feel about it. Iizuka-san's nothing like Tatsumi-san, so I'm sure it's nothing more than harmless (albeit annoying) ogling. But it still, it makes me nervous.

For the last few days, I've been watching Katsura Kogoro as much as I can. It's not a lot- most days I'm lucky if I pass him in the hall. I'm curious about him. Back home, I heard a lot from Father, Akira, and the other retainers to the Shogun about Katsura-san. They called him a naïve fool and scoffed at his brashness.

But the Katsura-san that I see isn't brash or naïve. He always seems calm and polite. And from what I hear from the maids I work with and the men I overhear, Katsura-san truly cares about other people. I was so wrong about him. It makes me wonder what else I am wrong about.

And then there's Himura.

I still sleep in his room, much to his annoyance. There's really no choice- the Inn is full with all of the Choshuu in Kyoto staying here. And it unwittingly helps my cover as his girlfriend. At first, I was as frustrated as Himura when I found out we'd continue sharing a room. But then I remembered my mission; what better way to find out a man's weakness than to sleep in his room?

But there's a problem. I don't think he has a weakness.

Himura never talks unless spoken to, and seems to spend most of his time reading or staring out his window. Once nighttime comes, he'll go out drinking, and won't come back until after I've fallen asleep. Occasionally, I'll see Iizuka-san talking to him and forcing him to go out. Iizuka-san is a jokester, and he's always able to get people roaring with laughter. But I've never seen Himura laugh at Iizuka-san's jokes. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen Himura smile.

How can I find a weakness in a man like that?

**May 25**

It's been a week since I've written last. I've been too busy to write before, and had nothing to write about. But now I do, and my heart feels heavy again.

Today, Okami-san had all of us cleaning out rooms. Among the rooms she assigned me was the one I share with Himura.

"I don't care if it is your room, it better be clean," she said.

So I went upstairs and worked. I held off doing that room until I had none left. It was because of Himura- I didn't really want to see him.

But there he was, sitting in his spot in the window. He scowled as I opened the door.

"Get out. I'm going to clean your room." I said.

"I didn't ask you to," he said.

"Okami-san did."

He turned in the window so he was facing me. He was about to stand, when he paused. He was looking down at his books, probably trying to pick one out, when a puzzled expression crossed his face.

"What's this notebook?" he asked. He was pointing to this journal.

A bolt of panic went through my system. How could I be so careless? If anybody read this…

"That's my diary!" I said, restraining my fear. "Don't read that!"

"As if!" he muttered.

Still, I grabbed the diary and tucked it in my obi. "Just in case."

Himura looked even more peeved as he sulked out of the room.

As I cleaned, I started feeling a little sorry for him. He didn't ask to have me barge in and meddle in his life. I resolved to be nicer to him when I saw him next.

He came back as I finished the cleaning. He was wearing a hard expression on his face, and walked by me as if I wasn't there.

"It's all yours now," I said.

He was at the basket where he keeps his clothes, rummaging for a new strap for his sandals.

"You can have it," he said, standing up. "I have an assignment tonight. I won't be back until late."

He left the room, leaving me in frozen shock.

An assignment.

Someone else will die tonight.

What am I doing here? I sleep three feet away from Akira's killer, feeding him and cleaning up after him. I came to Kyoto to avenge my beloved, but what am I doing? Finding the weakness of Hitokiri Battousai? This man has no weakness to exploit. He's not even a man!

He's out there now, hunting his prey. I can't sleep. Out there, someone will die a brutal, violent death. And what will I have done to stop it? Nothing, except clean Himura's room.

I've been at the Kohagiya for two weeks. Two weeks since I asked Himura if he would kill me if I carried a sword, and I still don't have an answer. Maybe I'll never get it. Or maybe I already have.

**May 28**

For the past few days, Himura's been out every night on his "assignments." I know that's what he's been doing. He's been wearing that hard expression every day, his eyes in a violent glare. And his clothes are bloodstained.

Whenever he's out, I can't sleep. All I can think about is Akira while he's gone.

A few nights ago, I was going downstairs to use the bathroom, when I heard noise in the water room. It was very late at night. I wrapped my shawl tight around me and walked in.

Himura was standing at the end of the room, washing his hands in the bucket of water. There were two empty buckets near his feet. He knew I was there, but he didn't look at me.

"Will you just go on killing people like this?" I asked.

He didn't answer. He just scrubbed his hands harder in the clear water.

**May 29**

I've just had an interesting conversation.

Himura is out again tonight. I was in my room, trying to distract myself by stitching and repairing some kimono, when there was a knock at the door.

"Yes?" I responded. It was Katsura-san!

"Forgive the late interruption," he said. "May I intrude on you a bit?"

"Himura-san is out tonight," I told him.

"I know," he said. "I am his superior. I know everything about his work."

So this is the man who sends Himura out to kill. I never realized this before, although now it seems obvious.

Katsura-san knelt opposite of me. I didn't know what to expect. What would the famous Katsura Kogoro want with a maid? And then he began to talk about madness.

"Madness?" I asked.

"It is one of the teachings of Yoshida Shoin, master of the Shokason School, where my comrade Takasugi and I studied in our younger days." Katsura-san explained. "In order to destroy this era, at the peak of its madness after 300 years of Tokugawa rule, we too must call upon the madness that gives us strength. Justice so honed that even mad rage cannot confuse it. That is the power source of the Choshuu now." He looked into my eyes. "And Himura is leading this 'mad justice.' His duty is the harshest of them all."

There was silence in the room as I absorbed what he said.

"…And?" I asked. "What is it that you want me to do?"

He sighed and smiled, looking kind. He stood and walked to the door, saying:

"I don't want you to do anything. I just want you to understand what we are doing."

He left a few minutes ago, with his words ringing enigmatically in my mind. Mad justice… well it certainly is mad.

I've heard enough stories from the people here to understand why they want a new era. A lot of people suffer in today's regime. I'm starting understand the need for change.

But I can't reconcile this with Akira's death. I still hurt when I think of him. I wish he was here to hold me, and to help me understand what Katsura-san was trying to tell me.

And now I know that Katsura-san was involved with Akira's death. Even indirectly, it was Katsura-san who signed Akira's death warrant, and loosed Himura upon him. But strangely, I don't want revenge on Katsura-san. I just feel tired now when I think of revenge.

All I understand is that war is crazy. We're all victims to it- Akira, me, and even Himura.

**May 30**

I nearly died today.

I finished cleaning late this afternoon when Okami-san told me, "You're done for today." I walked upstairs and into my room.

Himura was sitting in the window, his thin frame outlined against the setting sun. He was asleep.

I looked into his face, smoothed out of the glares that he wears while he's awake. He's only 15 years old. And while I looked, I remembered Katsura-san's words from last night.

Justice so honed that even mad rage cannot confuse it. The leader of this made justice…Himura Battousai.

But as I looked at Himura, I just couldn't see this leader of mad justice. Just a young man, barely older than a boy.

It was chilly today, despite the looming summer, and the window was open. I grabbed my blue shawl and walked over to him. I was planning on draping the shawl on him, so he could be warm. But when I was inches away from him, his eyes snapped open.

In a second, he was on his feet, my kimono in his fist, sword drawn and to my neck. His face was pulled into an animalistic snarl- pure rage, pure madness.

My heart beat fast. _I'm going to die!_ I thought.

And then his eyes widened. He jerked his sword back and shoved me away from him.

He knelt on the floor, panting. His eyes were wide, but the violet irises were small.

"I'm sorry," he gasped. "After everything I said about not killing civilians, I'm…" he gulped. "Please leave now, or else I will end up…" he shuddered.

He was kneeling on the floor, shaking, Sweat was pouring down his face. He clutched his right hand, forcing it to the ground. And he still held his sword.

In the city of hundreds, many people hate and fear Battousai. But as I looked at him today, I realized that no one fears him more than himself.

I nearly turned away from him. I nearly ran away from him, out the door and back to Edo. But I can't leave him like this.

Instead, I turned to him. I dropped my shawl into his lap.

"I'll stay here a while longer," I said. "You need a sheath to hold your madness now."

Kenshin's eyes widened. Slowly, he reached for the blue silk, and clutched it in his hands, as though it would drag him to safety.

"You asked me a long time ago, would I kill you if you held a sword?" Kenshin's voice cracked. "The answer is, I wouldn't. I will not kill you. No matter what may happen, I will never kill you."

He clutched my shawl tighter. "Never you."

**June 1**

I was just rereading my last few entries when I realized that I called Himura "Kenshin." I don't know what to make of that.


	7. Ikedaya

**June 5**

There is an unnatural hush over Kyoto right now. All I can hear now is angry murmurs of the men and soft crying of a maid, all outside my room. In here, the light from the candle makes my shadow large, distorts it into a monster.

Himura's not here. He's outside, and a part of me hopes that he comes back alive.

This all began early this evening. Tonight is the Gion festival. All day, the maids with the night off were excited for the festival. Even some of the men were relaxed.

But I didn't go out. I didn't feel like celebrating this year, so I stayed at the Inn, and continued repairing some kimono. Himura stayed in also. He was sleeping while I worked.

A few hours after sunset, Iizuka-san dropped by our room.

"Hey Himura!" he said, opening the door. "Let's go hit the festival! Then we can hit the brothels, and…"

He stopped when he saw me in front of him. For a moment, I wished that I was able to glare at him.

"Please be quiet." I said. "Himura-san is sleeping."

Iizuka-san looked surprised, and closed the door without another word. I went back to my sewing, satisfied. Maybe it would have been more polite to wake Himura for Iizuka-san, but that man irritates me too much to have good manners.

Suddenly, Himura's eyes snapped open.

"What's the matter?" I asked. "Iizuka was-"

"Shh!" he interrupted, and stood. His eyes were fixed in their battle glare. And then I heard pounding on the stairs and the tatami. The door slammed open, revealing Katakai-san, Katsura-san's second-in-command. Iizuka-san was close behind.

"Why are you here?" Himura asked. "You're supposed to be guarding Katsura-san at-"

"The meeting at Ikeda-ya was attacked!" Katakai shouted. "It was the Mibu Wolves! The Shinsengumi!"

"The location was leaked!" Iizuka-san shouted.

"What about Katsura-san?" Himura asked.

"He was running early, so he ran an errand at Tsushima Party Headquarters," Katakai-san explained. "He was taking a catnap when Ikeda-ya was attacked! But Yoshida-san, Miyabe-sensei, and the rest of them…"

Katakai-san was hunched over, gritting his teeth with worry. Iizuka-san looked shocked. But Himura's face became a mask of fury. He ran to the door.

"Himura! Wait!" Iizuka-san held out an arm and caught Himura.

"It's too late! You'll never make it if you leave now!" he shouted, restraining Himura. "There are already 3,000 Shogunate soldiers heading that way! Attacking now will only hurt the Choshuu Party!"

Himura struggled some more, then finally stopped. Iizuka-san reluctantly put his arm down as Himura stepped away from him.

"So what are we supposed to do?" he asked.

Katakai-san furrowed his brow and thought for a long time. Finally, he said, "We'll wait."

Katakai-san left shortly after that, probably to go check on Katsura-san or some other politician. Iizuka-san stayed in our room for a little while, but left when it became clear that Himura and I wouldn't talk to him. And Himura paced back and forth, his eyes still narrowed. Finally, after half an hour he stopped.

"I can't sit still like this," he said. "I have to go."

I wasn't surprised. Himura's not the type of person who can sit still when he thinks he can help someone in trouble. But I couldn't suppress my worry for him.

"Be careful," I said. He nodded and left.

After he left, I went downstairs to talk with the other maids. They were going back and forth with gossip. Apparently, the Shinsengumi are a group of Shogunate soldiers from Mibu. Like the Mimawarigumi, but stricter and tougher. The girls are all scared and confused. What if the Shinsengumi find out about the Kohagiya and attack us?

I feel the same way, but for different reasons. If Akira were still alive, we'd celebrating this victory for the Shogunate. But now, I'm scared and frightened of my fiancé's comrades. When did this change come over me?


	8. War

**June 15**

A lot's been going on, but not a lot of time to write it. I've been busy with work, cleaning and cooking from early morning until late at night when I collapse in my futon.

Every day we live in fear of the Shinsengumi and the Bakufu finding us. The Choshuu are in and out all day, grim faced and quiet. Katsura-san hasn't returned here since the Ikeda-ya Incident. And every night, Himura is out.

There's a rumor spreading that the Choshuu prefecture is sending 3,000 soldiers to Kyoto to fight. Some of the maids and younger soldiers repeat this rumor with hope. But the veterans shake their heads. Sending these soldiers would be a foolish maneuver, and would only cause us worse problems.

Everyone is Kyoto is tense. There is no pretense anymore- this is a city at war. Every day, new corpses are found in pools of blood. How long will this chaos last before we all break?

**June 30**

I'm worried about Himura. He left the Inn three days ago, and he hasn't returned yet. What if something happened to him? What if he's dead, or injured, or captured by the Bakufu? Did the Yaminobu finally catch up with him? They've already attacked before without telling me, they might do it again.

I'm having a hard time sitting still. I tried to use work to distract me all day, and took only the smallest break to eat. But now it's nighttime, and I have nothing to do but worry.

**July 1**

Himura finally returned this morning. He didn't say where he was for the past three days. He was too tired. I found him in the genkan this morning, leaning against one of the walls, sleeping. I was so surprised to see him there, I nearly shouted. He must have been exhausted if he wasn't able to make it to our room. He didn't even wash first- he was covered head to toe in blood.

I debated on whether or not to leave him there. He was clearly drained, and needed sleep. And besides, why should I bother helping him, when I'm already so busy?

No. I couldn't leave him there like that.

I walked over to him. I nearly shook him awake, but remembered what happened before when I tried to touch him in his sleep. Instead, I clapped my hands loudly until he blearily opened his eyes.

"Come on, Himura-san," I said. "You've got to move."

He looked up at me, his eyes blank. I suddenly noticed clear lines running through the blood spattered on his cheeks. Had he been crying?

Sitting like that, he almost looked like a lost child.

He blinked a few times and leaned back against the wall again, closing his eyes.

"Oh no you don't," I muttered, and lightly slapped his cheek. His eyes snapped open again.

"Come on," I said. "You're taking a bath."

I reached down and grabbed his hands, pulling him to his feet. I led him out of the genkan and down the hall to the bath. I remembered years ago, when Enishi was a toddler and I had to force him to take baths. I'm not sure whether to be thankful or worried that Himura didn't fight back like Enishi did.

Thankfully, the bath was already warmed up. I waited outside for him, restraining myself from going in and checking to see if he fell asleep and drowned. But a little while later, he emerged clean. His head was still bowed with exhaustion.

I grabbed his hand and led him upstairs to our room. As we walked, I felt him rest his forehead on my shoulder. The warm dampness of his hair soaked into my kimono.

"Come on," I said. "Just a little further."

When we reached our room, he collapsed to the floor, and struggled into a sitting position.

"Do you want me to set up the futon?" I asked. He shook his head.

I was getting worried. Should I fetch a doctor?

"I can see them," he suddenly whispered. "All of them. Their faces…"

I suddenly felt chilled. His victims. And suddenly, I wondered: do you remember Akira?

"Tomoe-san," he looked up at me. His eyes were wide, and for the first time, I saw Kenshin smile. "Thank you."

**July 2**

The rumor was true. The 3,000 troops from Choshuu arrived in the city today. And now a new rumor of a greater Bakufu army coming to Kyoto is starting to spread. Maids are starting to disappear. We wake in the morning, only to find that one or two girls have vanished in the night. Okami-san is furious.

Himura is still out at night. Every time he goes out, I feel sick with apprehension. I don't want him to die. And I don't want him to kill.

I'm also on the lookout for Tatsumi-san's messenger. Now seems like an opportune time for the Yaminobu to strike. But what do I say when the time comes? Even if Himura did have a weakness to exploit, would I be able to tell them?

**July 8**

It's happening. There's a battle raging now between the Choshuu and Bakufu soldiers. And the Bakufu outnumbers the Inshin Shishi seven to one. The Inshin Shishi are getting slaughtered.

For the first time since I've been here the Kohagiya is completely silent. All the men are out fighting. Almost all of the maids, except me and four others, are gone. We're all in the main hall now, waiting. We don't know what we're waiting for, but Okami-san is keeping us under her constant watch.

"Nothing will happen to any of you as long as I'm here," she said. "Where the hell am I supposed to get new workers once this is all over?"

We've packed all of our belongings and keeping them near us. I don't have much- just my diary, my perfume and my shawl.

I-

**Later**

The Kohagiya is gone. While I was writing in my diary, Akane-chan said, "Do you smell anything?"

It was smoke. Once we realized that the Inn was on fire, we ran outside. Akane-chan and I had to drag out Okami-san. The Kohagiya was everything to her- business, home, family. Now ashes.

Once we were outside, we realized the gravity of the situation. There were panicking people everywhere. All around us were burning buildings. And across the street from our Inn was a dead man, being trampled by the chaotic mob.

I was forced away from my group as a family shoved past me. I tried to fight my way back through the crowd, but I kept getting more lost.

Suddenly, I felt a hand grab mine. _Akira?_ I thought. But it was Kenshin, holding onto me tightly.

"Come on!" he shouted, and pulled me through the crowd. I held on, blindly following him. Finally, he brought us into an alley, away from the crush of people.

We stooped over, trying to catch our breaths. For the first time, I noticed that Himura's hand was gripping the sword at his waist.

"What do we do?" I asked once I caught my breath.

He stared at the burning city for a long time before answering.

"I don't know," he glanced over. "Just stay with me. I'll keep you safe Tomoe-san. I promise."

We eventually waded our way through the crowd until Kenshin found us a safe spot. We're now hiding under a bridge, next to the river. I'm currently writing this entry on a rock, using the distant fires as my light. Kenshin's sitting on guard. Neither of us will get any sleep tonight.


	9. Himura

**July 9**

I have no idea how to say what's happened. I guess all I can do is start from the beginning.

Himura peered out from under the bridge as the sun rose this morning.

"I think most of the fighting's over," he said. We tentatively left the shelter of the bridge. Around us were the smoking remains of charred buildings. In a single night, so many homes and businesses were destroyed. I felt sick looking around.

Himura led me through the streets. They were crowded with panicked mobs last night- but this morning, they were bare except for a few refugees.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"There's a bridge," Himura explained. "It's a meeting spot that was established months ago if there was an emergency. If Katusra-san survived the battle, then he'll meet us there and tell us what to do."

He led me to another section of the city, and then to an old bridge. We stood on it, looking out below us at the ruined city. People wandered by us, with nowhere to go. In the distance, I could see a family staring at the charred remains of their home. There was a little girl with them, and suddenly, I remembered the little girl I saw the day I left Edo. How is she doing? I hoped that she will never be as hurt by this war as the other girl, now homeless.

Around sunset, Himura stiffened. I looked around, but couldn't see Katsura-san anywhere. It wasn't until Kenshin nudged me and nodded at a homeless man sitting down directly beneath us underneath the bridge. I glimpsed his face- it was Katsura-san!

"I'm glad you survived," Kenshin said. "We need you now more than ever."

"I think I can say the same to you," Katsura-san replied. "I don't have much time. We need to be quick."

Himura sighed. "That ill-fated meeting at Ikeda-ya was intended to plan the retrieval of the Emperor during the chaos created by setting fire in Kyoto. You were against such an atrocity. Katakai-san said it was ordained by the heavens that you were the only survivor."

"But look at me now," Katsura-san said. "The Choshuu party is being annihilated and being chased down as the enemy of the emperor. The conservatives have regained power in Choshuu's capital, Hagi." He paused. "I will be in hiding for a while. I cannot return to Hagi, but if I stay here, I will be caught."

"What will I do?" Himura asked. "The Kohagiya has been burnt down."

"I've prepared a house in a farm village outside Kyoto," Katsura-san stood up. "Lay low until our next action is decided. I will contact you through Iizuka. Tomoe-kun?"

"Yes?" I asked.

"If you have nowhere to go, I'd like you to live there with Himura."

My breath caught in my throat.

"A young couple blends in more easily than a young man," Katsura-san explained, walking away. "The arrangement can be entirely for appearances. Take care of Himura."

And then he walked away. We watched him silently, before I turned to Himura.

"What shall we do?" I asked. "I don't have anywhere to go…"

"Everyone has somewhere to go." Himura stared straight ahead of him, refusing to meet my eye. "If you need travel funds, I'll provide them."

We were quiet again. I watched his eyes grow softer. He sighed.

"I know that's the coward's way out," he said. "It's wrong of me to leave it all up to you."

He looked over at me, his eyes wide and gentle.

"Stay with me," he said. "I don't know how long I can be with you, but I don't want it just for show. I want you with me."

We stared at each other in silence. The setting sun caught us in its glare. I barely heard what Kenshin said next, it sounded like a whisper from the wind:

"Till death do us part."

Suddenly, I realized that there was no turning back from this point. If I married Kenshin, there was no return to Edo, Father, and Enishi. No return to Akira. My former life would be completely over.

But I can't leave him. He needs me, maybe now more than ever. And I need him, in some mysterious way. Maybe I passed the point of no return long ago.

"Yes." I whispered.

And then Kenshin smiled, the brightest, sweetest smile I've ever seen. Did I cause this? Am I responsible for his transformation from monster to man?

Tomorrow, we'll marry. And then we'll set out for our new home, wherever that may be.

**July 10**

I always imagined how my wedding would be like. When I was a little girl, I had vague daydreams. Once I was engaged to Akira, I had solid plans for how my wedding would go. I never imagined that it would end up like this.

In Edo, I would have married in the large, beautiful shrine that my family has visited for years. Everyone would be wearing their best clothes, and I would outshine them all in a new white silk kimono for the ceremony. Father, Enishi, and the Kiyosatos would all be there, as well as our friends. If we were lucky, perhaps one of the Shogun's vassals would attend in order to honor Father and Kiyosato-san, as well as Akira and myself. And of course, I would be marrying Akira.

Of course, what actually happened was nothing like I thought it would. Kenshin and I had to search the city until we found a temple willing to help us out. We had nothing except the dirty, soot-stained clothes we had been wearing for days. And our witnesses were a geisha and a homeless man, drawn in with the promise of a safe place and free sake.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. At least not with Kenshin. I don't mean to demean him, but I can't imagine myself marrying him any other way. To do so would be disrespectful to both Kenshin and Akira.

"I don't know if you two are crazy or genius," the priest told us as he finished the ceremony.

"Perhaps both," Kenshin replied. He spent the entire ceremony gazing into my eyes with a smile on his face. I've never seen someone filled with as much hope as he was when we were declared husband and wife.

But as we left the temple, Kenshin's expression changed. He suddenly became serious. A moment later, I saw why- Iizuka-san was across the street. Kenshin's talking with him now while I write this. I think they're exchanging information. Iizuka-san is probably telling Kenshin where the safe house is, and updating him on any news of the Choshuu. And Kenshin is probably telling him about our wedding.

Do I love Kenshin? I don't know. Maybe I do. But I can't pretend anymore that I want him dead. I've come to care about him, and I don't want to see him harmed.

Does this make me a traitor to Akira? Under different circumstances, I'm sure that Akira and Kenshin would have liked each other. They might have even been friends. But things are the same, and I can never change the fact that Kenshin murdered Akira. Will Akira's ghost punish me somehow?

Akira, forgive me. But I don't regret marrying Kenshin.

Himura Tomoe. That is who I am now, for better or for worse.


	10. Beginnings

**July 12**

We've finally arrived today at our new home. It's a small one-roomed hut on the outskirts of a mountain village. We spent most of today cleaning it out and moving in our few possessions.

Going through the village was a strange experience for me. I've traveled through them before, but never lived in one. I've spent my entire life in cities. And as we walked through, I suddenly felt a twinge of panic. Where are we? How can we live here?

"This place is so small," I whispered.

"It'll be ok," Kenshin reassured me. "Small villages like this are a good place to hide."

I couldn't help but notice the suspicious looks we were getting from the villagers.

"They don't seem to like us," I said.

"They just need some time to get used to us," he said. "Don't worry, it was like this where I was born. If we're nice to them, then they'll be nice to us."

This nugget of information startled me out of my nervousness. I had always assumed that Kenshin was born into a samurai family like Akira and I. But if he was raised in a village like this one, then how did he become a samurai?

"Was your father a merchant?" I asked.

"No, my parents were farmers," he said. "We lived a long way from here, though."

"What happened to them?" I asked.

I regretted my words in the long silence that followed them. Finally:

"They died. When I was ten." Kenshin said.

We didn't speak for the rest of our walk.

An hour later, we finally arrived at the house. The house has been shut up for years, and it's dirty and a little moldy in here. Thankfully, there's already some furniture and cookingware here, although it all needs to be washed.

Kenshin found a note hidden in the bureau from the Choshuu. It was planted here when the house was set up, with a cover story.

"They want me to be a pharmacist," Kenshin said when he was done reading the note.

"Do you know how?" I asked.

"No," he said. He looked nervous. "But they included some recipes for making medicine and a list of herbs."

"Is that enough?"

"I hope so."

After taking inventory of what was and wasn't in the house, we walked back down to the village to buy some food and supplies. While we were there, we began to talk to the villagers.

"Where are you from?" "Why are you here?" "What do you do?" "Who are you?"

We told them the cover story that we planned on our journey, with the added information that we found in the house. We were escaping Kyoto. Our home was destroyed in the recent battle. Kenshin's uncle was a traveling merchant, and saw the empty house and told us about it. If no one was staying there, could we live there?

Kenshin was right- the villagers warmed up to us as we told them our false story of woe. They sympathized, the men grumbling and the women clucking their tongues. They asked us for news about the city and the fighting, and we answered as best as we could.

They were ecstatic when they found out that Kenshin's a "pharmacist."

"Excellent!" a man shouted. "Our doctor died last year, and we've had to go down the mountain to another village when we need help! Now we don't have to!"

"I'm not a doctor though…" Kenshin said. He looked nervous again, and scratched the back of his head. "In fact, I'm only just starting…"

"Oh you'll be fine!" a woman laughed, patting his back.

I didn't say much during our time in the village. I didn't know what to say, and besides, they seemed mostly interested in Kenshin. They seem like nice people though. Perhaps living here won't be so bad.

**July 17**

I've been too busy cleaning to write. But it's all done now, so I can finally have some time to relax.

Kenshin's been starting to collect herbs and make medicine. He's been so afraid of making mistakes, but so far he's doing a good job. The day before yesterday, he had to make a cure for a stomachache, and the woman who bought it said that the medicine worked.

And it turns out that Kenshin is also quite good at housework. He's able to keep up with me while I clean, and actually knows how to wash clothes! I've never known a man who could do those things!

"I used to do a lot of cleaning when I lived with my master," he said. He was washing some clothes while I swept.

"How come?" I asked. "Did he require all his students to clean his dojo?"

"I wasn't trained in a dojo," he explained. "I'm his only student. Or I was, anyway." He brooded for a moment. "We got into a fight, and I left. He probably wouldn't take me back if I returned."

"What did you fight about?" I asked.

"Joining the Inshin Shishi," Kenshin answered. "I wanted to, and he didn't." He paused. "I thought I'd be helping people if I joined. I thought it would end their suffering."

"Do you still think that?" I asked. He didn't answer.


	11. Love

**August 20**

There's something wrong with me. My mask is starting to crack. Sometimes I feel my face slip out of its usual expression- my eyes will widen with surprise, my cheeks will blush, my lips form smiles.

I've had a difficult time with my face my entire life. What's happening? Is it living with Kenshin? Is he the one causing these changes?

**August 21**

I'm not the only one changing. Kenshin's almost unrecognizable from the hitokiri I met in Kyoto. He hasn't worn his sword in a month. He smiles all the time now, and even laughs. He's becoming good at making medicine, and many people in the village like him.

He's even become friends with some of the local children. They've been coming up to our house to play with him almost every day. There's five of them: Goro-kun, Momo-chan, Satsu-chan, Tani-kun, and Chihiro-chan. Kenshin watches after them when he's not working, and sometimes I can hear them laughing all day. Goro-kun and Tani-kun clearly look up to him. They force him to play "samurai" with them, and they attack him with branches. They always pretend to be Katsura-san and his comrade Takasugi Shinsaku, while they force Kenshin to be a member of the Shinsengumi (much to his embarrassment). Momo-chan has such a crush on him, and always tries to slip her hand into his when she thinks no one is looking. Sometimes, I'll watch them play in the yard.

And he's so kind to me. He never comments on my lack of a smile, even as his grows more and more each day. He seems to accept that I am happy, even if I don't look it. He doesn't ask me about my past, even though he's shared parts of his with me. And he doesn't try to pressure me into kissing him, or holding his hand, or having sex.

Who knew that a hitokiri could be like this?

**November 13**

We finally did it. We had sex last night. It wasn't planned. It just happened.

Kenshin's up in the mountains now, gathering herbs. He'll probably be up there for most of the day.

It was nice. I felt really good and happy this morning when I woke up, and this feeling continued as I did my work. But then, I remembered Akira.

I haven't thought of him for so long. I've been so content in my new life that I just never remembered him. But how can I forget my beloved?

I thought that this ended when I married Kenshin. I thought I had made a choice- Kenshin or Akira. Happiness or sorrow. Life or death. I chose Kenshin. I chose to live and be happy. I thought that I would stop mourning Akira if I did this.

I was wrong.

Emotions never follow logic, and I can't control how I feel. And I feel… guilty.

Why? Is it because I married Kenshin? Because I slept with the man who killed my beloved?

No, that's not why. Strange, but that's not the reason why I feel so guilty. I feel guilty because…

Because I killed Akira. Not Kenshin. Not Katsura-san. Me.

Because I didn't cry for him. Because I didn't beg him to stay home. Because I didn't act like I cared when he left. If I had, I know he would have stayed.

Katsura-san may have given the order. Kenshin may have cut him down. But I was the one who sent him to his death.

My hand is shaking while I write this. I can feel my face shift to accommodate my grief. But still, over seven months later, I still _can't cry!_

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Maybe this is Akira's punishment. He's not punishing me for marrying Kenshin, but for sending him to die. Maybe Akira sent me to Kyoto so I can find his killer, fall in love with him, and spend the rest of my life in torment and confusion.

But Akira would never be so cruel. That's why I loved him.

Oh. I just wrote that I love Kenshin. I do, don't I? What a horrible way to realize you love someone. I owe him better for that. He is always so kind to me, and he deserves so much. And I always hold back because of Akira.

How can I be loyal to both and still remain happy? Maybe I can't. Maybe I never will.

**December 25**

Kenshin spent most of today in the mountains. He met with Iizuka-san this afternoon to get information about the situation in Kyoto. But he had to leave early so he could gather some herbs, and have a cover story for meeting Iizuka-san in the first place. Iizuka-san pretends that he's a medicine seller from Kyoto coming to meet his supplier whenever he comes by with his monthly reports. Kenshin usually gives him some of the herbs before coming home with the news.

The children were upset when they found out Kenshin wasn't home.

"But I brought my favorite toys with me!" Satsu-chan said.

"Why does he always have to work?" Momo-chan pouted.

"Tomoe-nee, will you play with us instead?" Goro-kun asked.

"All right," I said. I had played a lot with Enishi when he was younger, so I know how to deal with children. But these didn't seem to like me.

"Tomoe-nee, how come you're not smiling?" Tani-kun asked. "Are you sad?"

"No," I said. "I really am happy right now, my face just doesn't show it."

"Why?" he asked.

"I have a hard time smiling."

"Why?"

"I… don't know. I just do."

"Why?"

Eventually, he got bored and started pretending to be in a swordfight with Goro-kun. I played with the girls, bouncing Satsu-chan's ball up and down. Chihiro-chan kept looking around nervously.

"Oh calm down already," Momo-chan finally snapped at her.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"She's not supposed to be here," Momo-chan said.

"Why not?" I asked.

Chihiro-chan looked frightened when I looked at her, and immediately looked down. Momo-chan opened her mouth to speak, but then Satsu-chan stepped on her foot. I had to spend the next few minutes forcing the girls not to fight.

Finally, close to sunset we heard Kenshin calling out, "I'm home!" The children's smiles grew bright.

"Welcome home!" they shouted, throwing their toys at him. "Where have you been?"

Kenshin rubbed the bruises on his head, smiling. "I was up the mountain, gathering herbs. Didn't Tomoe play with you?" He glanced at me.

The children looked awkward. "She did, but…" After a moment, Satsu-chan finally said, "She's no fun!"

I guess I'm not as good with children as I thought.

He was about to say something, when he noticed Chihiro-chan hanging in the back. "What's the matter?" he asked her.

"My dad says, 'That medicine man is strange. Don't play with him'," she said.

"Oh really?" Kenshin said. I think I was the only one who caught the note of sadness in his voice.

"But Mom says, 'He's a good man. He takes care of people'." Chiriho-chan continued.

Kenshin smiled. "I see." He patted her on the head. "I'll be home all day tomorrow. Come over in the morning and play with everyone."

She smiled, and she looked the happiest I've seen her all day.

"Now, it's late," Kenshin told them. "You guys go on home."

They shouted out their farewells and ran down the road. Once they were gone, Kenshin turned to me, still smiling.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm no good at smiling. I do like children though."

"It's ok," he chuckled.

"I love their innocent smiles," I continued. "Especially since you are smiling a lot now."

For a moment, he looked surprised. Then, thoughtful and somber.

"I guess that's true," he said. "I've been though a lot of bad times. I was born during a famine, and I lost my parents and brothers to cholera. Since I was ten, I've trained relentlessly under Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu. And now, I am Choshuu's hitokiri. I've never really had much to smile about."

He paused for a moment. "I learned the principles of Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu, wielded a sword, killed… all for an age in which the powerless can find happiness. But up until now, I never knew what happiness was."

He smiled at me again. "Five months of living out here with you in the farmlands has shown me what I've been fighting for, and what I need to keep fighting for."

I could feel my cheeks blushing and my eyes widen. I never knew he felt this way. I didn't realize how much I meant to him.

"I know that someday the fighting will begin again," he said. "But at least until New Years, I want it to stay like this."

Finally, I was able to find words.

"All right," I said. "We should start preparing for it then."

I wish I could smile back at him.


	12. Panic

**December 27**

What have I done? Everything's coming apart so soon and sudden! What do I do?

I was cooking supper, while Kenshin was outside with the children, when I heard the noise outside dim down. I was getting up to investigate, when I suddenly heard Kenshin shout out "Hey!" I ran outside.

It was Enishi! Enishi came!

But Enishi had punched Tani-kun, and then bit Kenshin's hand.

"Enishi!" I asked. "Enishi, is that you?"

"Nee-chan!" Enishi shouted out. He ran over and hugged me, smiling, any anger at Tani-kun and Kenshin forgotten in an instant.

I hugged Enishi back, in shock. I could see my surprise mirrored on Kenshin. I know that my face must have shown my feelings- I was so taken off-guard. How did he find us?

I brought Kenshin and Enishi inside, while the children peeked in a crack in the door. Kenshin was surprised, but still polite. I wish I could say the same for Enishi. He looked angry and resentful every time he looked at Kenshin.

"This is my brother, Enishi," I introduced.

"I see, your brother." Kenshin said. He put on a weak smile, trying to hide his confusion. He reached out to pat my brother on the head. "Now that you mention it, he has your-"

Enishi bit his hand again.

"Stop that!" I pulled my brother off my husband. There was an awkward pause.

"I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about," Kenshin finally said, shaking his hand. "I'll step out for a while."

He shot me a forgiving smile before he stepped outside. I don't know what he was thinking.

I pushed aside my distress and shame at Enishi and focused instead on my joy. I haven't seen him in so long! I held onto his face and pressed it against mine, feeling his hair and skin under my fingers.

"It's been so long." I said, letting go. "I'm surprised to see you, but very glad. You must be hungry. Wait a minute, I was just making dinner."

He smiled as I worked on the food. It was his sweetest smile, the one he wears when he wants my attention.

"When did you leave Edo?" I asked. "How's Father?"

"I don't know," he said off-handedly. "I left for Kyoto a year ago, just after you did."

I froze. I suddenly took in the details that I didn't absorb when I first saw him. He was thin. He was dirty. His clothes were ripped, and he had no shoes.

"Enishi," I said. "Who's been taking care of you?" My heart beat faster. "And how did you know I was here? I never contact anyone outside."

Enishi smirked. "You didn't have to contact anyone, because I am the contact."

What?

Suddenly, a wicked grin overtook my brother's sweet face.

"Rejoice Nee-chan!" he said. "It's finally time to cast Tenchuu on Battousai!"

I dropped my spoon into the fire.

"Enishi, you can't be…" I whispered.

"You didn't know?" he asked. "But the man said he already told you!"

Suddenly, I remembered my meeting with Tatsumi-san and the Yaminobu, long ago. To find the weakness of Battousai. And let them kill him.

Somehow, they got my little brother. He didn't realize how much danger he was in.

"Let's go Tomoe! It's almost over!" Enishi said. He put down a hand to help me up.

"Go home to Edo," I whispered.

"Huh?" Enishi's smile started to fade.

"You are the eldest son of the Yukishiro family." I said. "You can't stain your hands in matters like this."

He looked shocked. "I don't care about that family!" he shouted. "I want to help you! That's all!"

"Go home Enishi."

For a little while, there was silence, then Enishi asked, "Why? What's happened? Why won't you come with me?"

He was crying with anger. "Why are you protecting him? He's your enemy! He's the one who stole your happiness!"

I didn't answer. Finally, he ran out of the house. I hate to end things with Enishi this way, but I don't want him involved with the Yaminobu. I just wanted him to go home and be safe.

But now I have a different problem. What do I tell Kenshin? What should I do about the Yaminobu? Can I risk telling Kenshin the truth? But I can't lie anymore! I just can't do it! What do I


	13. X

**December 28, First Year of the Genji (1864)**

It's over. Or it will be soon.

Kenshin came in as I was writing my last entry, so I never finished it. But now I'll tell what happened.

After Enishi left, Kenshin came back in. Even though he must have suspected me of leaking information, he didn't confront me. He didn't even ask me why I never told him that I had a brother. Instead, he asked why Enishi left so soon.

And that's when I knew. A man as good as him deserves the truth.

As I talked, it began to snow outside- thick flakes in the darkness. Kenshin stood against the door, opened slightly so I could see the flakes.

I told him about my past. About Father being one of the Shogun's retainers. About raising Enishi after Mother died. And then…Akira.

When I told Kenshin I was engaged, he was so surprised that he let go of the door. The wind burst it open and snow began to fall into our tiny house.

I described Akira to Kenshin, but without mentioning his name. I talked about his kindness, his hard work, and his determination. I told him how Akira left for Kyoto, but never returned. But I didn't tell Kenshin how Akira died- I couldn't yet.

While I spoke about Akira, Kenshin's face was emotionless. I couldn't tell if he was angry with me. I was afraid he would be. Would he still want me after I told him the truth? But I kept going.

"I couldn't rest after I heard the news," I said. "So I came to Kyoto…" I couldn't finish.

"He died somewhere far away. I don't know where. But my happiness… died with him." I said. "And in the end, I think it was my fault." My voice began to crack, and I felt my eyes grow hot and wet. "If only I'd cried and begged him to stay... But when I thought that, I had to find someone to hate so I could keep my sanity!"

Suddenly, Kenshin grabbed me and pulled me against him. He wrapped me into his embrace.

"It's all right," he whispered.

I was planning on telling him everything, even the Yaminobu. But at his words, I lost control. For the first time in months, I began to cry. Snow fluttered around us. As Kenshin held me, I wept: for Akira, for Kenshin, and for myself.

Finally, I was able to calm down. When I stopped crying, Kenshin wrapped a blanket around me, and sat me down next to the fire. He wouldn't let me help him sweep out the snow, and he closed the door when he was done. A few minutes later, he sat under the blanket with me.

We were quiet for a long time, watching the fire burn. Finally, Kenshin spoke:

"A little over a year ago, I left my master to protect the happiness of the people in this country with my sword. In order to do so, I thought I had to end this chaos and build a new era. So I allied myself with the Choshuu Inshin Shish and became Hitokiri Battousai. I believed Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu would help me do this, but reality is not so easy." He paused for a moment.

"I killed and killed, without bringing the new era any closer. My soul grew heavy, my mind misted, and all I could smell was blood.

"But then I met you. Your questions blew the mists from my mind, and made me sane again. I don't smell blood anymore, but white plums. And after living with you for so long, I finally understand the happiness I'm trying to protect."

He picked up a poker and stirred the fire. "For the first, I understand how serious happiness can be. No matter how powerful his sword, no matter how perfect his skills, no one man can change an era. No one man can bear the happiness of others on his shoulders. All a man can do is protect the happiness of the people he can see."

The fire crackled. I listened to him, riveted.

"But until the new era is established, I have to keep going on as a hitokiri." He paused.

"Maybe this is foolish of me, but when the new era comes, I want to find a way to protect others without killing. And I will find a way to atone for the happiness I've stolen from others. Tomoe?"

"Yes?" I asked.

"The happiness you lost once in all of this chaos," he said. "I'll protect it from now on."

I've never seen him so sure of himself as he was then. I believed him. I know that he'll help as many people as he can without killing. He's a kind man.

I smiled at him, his first smile from me, and the first smile that came to me so easily.

"Yes." I said.

We made love after that. While I was sleeping, I had strange dreams. I remember the barest glimpses of them. Father challenging Katsura-san to a duel. Okami-san raising Enishi as her son. Blood raining down on Kyoto, smelling like white plums. In one dream, I opened a door and found Akira and Kenshin, sitting opposite of each other and drinking tea. They both turned to greet me, smiling. In another, I saw Kenshin's sword and my knife, each sticking up from the snowy ground, both dripping blood. They looked like an X. And in my final dream, I saw the little girl from Edo. She spun around in circles, ageing a little more with each turn, until she was my age and she stopped. The girl held my hands and looked into my eyes with her deep blue ones. "Thank you," she said with a smile.

When I woke, I came to this journal, and began to write. Kenshin is still asleep. It's very early morning, the sun is almost ready to rise. And soon, I must go.

I am the only one who can stop the Yaminobu. They're probably in the forest now, waiting for me. I won't let them kill Kenshin. I already killed one man I love, I won't do it to another.

They'll want his weakness. I'll tell them a lie. I'll tell them to attack him in his sleep. I'm sure he'll be able to stop them. And I'm bringing my knife with me, tucked again in my obi. I don't know if I'll come back alive from this. But I have to try to stop them.

This man stole my happiness from me. He gave me another in its place. He will kill more people before he's done. But in the end, he will protect far more than he's killed. I can't let him die here.


	14. Afterward

**ANOTHER NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR WTF?**

Anyway, so thank you all for reading this fanfic. You all know what happens after Tomoe leaves, so this epilogue is kinda redundant. It's not necessary to the plot to read it- I was just experimenting with this particular writing style.

The epilogue in this fanfic was inspired by the epilogue in Margaret Atwood's novel, "The Handmaid's Tale." Basically, I wanted to explore how modern-day historians in the Rurounk Kenshin universe would react to details about his life.

So again, this epilogue is totally not necessary to the rest of the fanfic. Don't feel obligated to read it if you don't want to (wow, I am wasting sooo much space right now. Me and my stupid insecurities. Bah!)

Oh, and to all those wondering: the little girl that Tomoe kept thinking of is supposed to be a young version of Kaoru.

ONTO THE EPILOGUE!

* * *

><p><strong>A<strong>**fterward****:**

Notes from editors Takahata Shiori and Tabitha Fuller

Unfortunately, Himura Tomoe did not survive her encounter with the Yaminobu. On the day of her last diary entry, December 28, Tomoe was killed. We don't know how. If there were any written accounts of her death, then they have been lost or destroyed in the years since the Bakumatsu.

**The Diary**

Tomoe's diary was found in 2004 by a group of contractors that were renovating an old Buddhist temple in Tokyo. According to the journal of one of the monks, Nitta Toya, the diary was brought to the temple in 1880. "…An old homeless man, calling himself 'Geezer' gave [the diary] to us." Nitta writes. "He told us that it was an important item. So we placed it with the other things people want us to hold on to."

Who Geezer is, how he came to posses Tomoe's diary, and how the diary made it to Tokyo when she died near Kyoto, are all among the mysteries that surround Tomoe.

After the diary was found, the contractors gave it to the Edo-Tokyo Museum, where it fell into the care of historian Takahata Shiori. Takahata, who specializes in the Bakamatsu and the Meiji Era, quickly realized how important Tomoe's diary was. Not only did it tell about life in Kyoto during the Bakumatsu, it also confirmed the existence of the legendary Hitokiri Battousai.

Takahata sent the diary to Tabitha Fuller, a professor of document restoration at Harvard Univeristy. While Fuller and her students worked on the diary, Takahata tried to scrounge up the missing pages from the diary. She found some, but unfortunately, most of the pages from the end of the diary (between July and December) are missing.

Once the diary was restored, Takahata and Fuller began work on transcribing the diary into an electronic format, and researching what they can about Tomoe's loved ones.

**The Yukishiro Family**

Unfortunately, not much is known about the Yukishiro family during and after the Bakumatsu. However, we found out that Yukishiro Enishi never returned home. Enishi disappeared for several years, before finally surfacing in Shanghai in 1875. By then, Enishi was the most powerful illegal arms dealer in Asia, and was under the watch of the Chinese and Japanese authorities. Enishi returned to Tokyo in 1878, and kidnapped a teenage girl. He brought her to his private island off the coast of Japan, for unknown reasons. A few weeks later, he was arrested by the Japanese police and brought back to Japan. However, he escaped as soon as he reached Japan, and disappeared forever.

Tomoe's father is even harder to track down than Enishi. Yukishiro Genji was a lower-level retainer to the Shogun, without any notable characteristics other than his sense of humor. After the Bakumatsu, he lost his home and title to the new Meiji government and disappeared. He never saw his children again.

**Himura Kenshin, "Hitokiri Battousai"**

Before the discovery of Tomoe's diary, Hitokiri Battousai was considered to be a myth from the Bakumatsu. However, the diary proved that he actually existed, and gave us his real name: Himura Kenshin. With Kenshin's name, we were able to find a surprising amount of information about him.

Kenshin survived the attack from the Yaminobu. Whether or not he ever found out about Tomoe's involvement with them is unknown. But according to the diary of Katsura Kogoro, Kenshin was with her when she died.

After Tomoe's death, Kenshin immediately returned to active duty. Instead of an assassin, this time, Kenshin was the Inshin Shishi's main line of defense against the Shinsengumi. He disappeared after the Battle of Toba Fushimi, leaving the legend of Hitokiri Battousai for future generations.

However, Kenshin reappeared a decade later in Tokyo. According to police records, Kenshin kept his promise to Tomoe by defending the helpless. And even in the most dire situations, he never took another life.

In 1879, he married a young woman named Kamiya Kaoru. They had a son, Kenji, later that year. Himura Kaoru was the master of a kenjutsu dojo called Kamiya Kasshin-Ryu (notable students include Myojin Yahiko and Tsukayama Yutaro). The Kamiya Dojo is still open to this day, and in the same original spot it existed in over a hundred years ago.

Kenshin died in 1912, at the age of 72. He was among the last of the Inshin Shishi to die, but he was never recognized as one when he passed away. However, in a letter to a friend after his death, his wife Kaoru wrote, "He never wanted to be remembered as a hitokiri. He just wanted to help others."

**Tomoe**

In Tomoe's diary, we see the story of a brave young woman. She left home, alone, to go to an unfamiliar city in order to find her lover's killer. She saw the true chaos and horrors of war, but came out of it nobler than before. She even changed one of the harshest warriors of the Bakumatsu into a gentle pacifist. We, Takahata Shiori and Tabitha Fuller, hope that Tomoe's story will affect you as it affected us.


End file.
